So yeah, Kaylin here. Don't really know who will see this or what I want from this. But I do know it will make me feel better.
What do you expect when you enter into a relationship with somebody? I feel like when two people are exclusively together, there's no question that those people should be truthful, open, considerate, understanding. I know I don't have a clue about how to have a healthy relationship, because my track record doesn't make my heart feel any more whole. But earlier this year, someone really caught my eye...
She was mysterious in the way that she didn't even notice me. She sat quietly at her desk, always doing her work. Every week I would talk myself up to ask for her number, and every week I failed miserably by ditching out without talking to her. But man, when I finally did ask, I did not know it would lead to this.
And that's not to say what it has lead to is bad. More like painful, sweet and saddening. When her blue eyes look into mine all I see is her. I could listen to her talk for hours. Spend the day lazily in my bed. And the scariest thing is...sometimes I almost say I love you. I catch myself before it comes out, because I remember that we're taking it slow. Or maybe I catch myself because I don't want to love her, or anyone for that matter. I don't know how.
I'm
afraid
I'll
never
learn
to
be
loved.
She is so good to me. A breeze on a warm summer day...and all that other cheesy stuff. Gross, right?
Alas..all good things must come to an end. Is this the end of the so-called "honeymoon stage" or has she withdrawn to that sacred safe place to keep me from getting in?
I just want to grab her, shake her. I want to yell.
LET ME IN!
Now all I see is pain in your eyes. You're hurting, you're falling, you're slipping away..
I reach for your hand but you don't want my help. I feel like I'm choking on silence; the fake smiles make my stomach ache, the "I'm fine, I swear"s dig deeper and deeper every time you try to pretend like there's nothing going on. I'm drifting, I'm falling. My head says run but my heart says fight.
But are we fighting the same battle?
Help me.
Let me love you.
